Are You Having Fun Yet?

I was sick of sitting on the couch, working. It had been a long week of slogging through some stuff, and I wanted a change in scenery.

I suggested to the family that we take the opportunity to go ice skating downtown.

It was met with lukewarm disinterest.

Instead, we went out for a dinner of terrible wings in a loud restaurant with hundreds of TVs where my son could easily be distracted by his choice of tennis, basketball, and a UFC weigh in.

All of that was more interesting than going ice skating, apparently.

Upon reflection of this Friday night with my family, I realize I’m a little pissed off at myself.

I’m not pissed off at my husband. Or my son. They were being honest: they really didn’t want to go ice skating.

And I didn’t push it. I was comfortable on the couch, then I was comfortable eating wings, then I was comfortable coming home, snuggling on the couch & watching a TV show together.

Same old same old.

I’m currently writing this the morning after. It’s 6:01am, and they’re both still asleep. I’m thinking about what I really wanted to do last night & why it didn’t happen.

The old me would be pissed off. The old me would feel resentful. Or confused about why we never do anything “fun”. Why I have no hobbies and don't do anything different.

Instead, I woke up early this morning and dove into what my thoughts were about the whole thing.

Here’s how it went:

On that day, it was very warm for a Syracuse December day. It hovered between 48 & 51, which is like “get out and celebrate” weather here! In fact, I saw one dude wearing shorts and most people walking slowly around without coats on!

It occurred to me that it would be the perfect day to do the ice skating thing downtown. You know - the tree, the Christmas music piped in, the beautiful historic buildings surrounding us.

I floated it by my husband and it was met with a, “Ummmmm. Ok.”

I picked up my son and suggested it to him, and he said, “No thanks. I’m not good at ice skating.”

We all came home around 5ish and sat in front of the fire & the lit-up tree. We were snuggling, laughing, and talking, and I knew ice skating wasn’t going to happen.

I’m not being a martyr here: it didn’t happen because I didn’t make it happen. Here are the stories I told myself.

1. I haven’t ice skated in a long time. Maybe I’ll suck at it.
2. Jack is not a good skater. He’s going to be a pain in the ass about it because he’s a perfectionist.
3. John will go along with anything, but I’m sure he’d rather just go to dinner instead.
4. It’s awfully comfy here on the couch. Maybe we’ll just go get something quick to eat & come home.
5. Why don’t we ever do anything new or fun?

Then my brain looped back to thought #1. It’s a sucky brain-loop that keeps me in constant confusion, asking Why don’t we ever do anything new or fun?

Well, this morning, I definitely figured it out!!

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE!

It’s a lot of effort!

And I’m one for hitting the easy button, especially when it comes to physical discomfort.

On the other side of the spectrum are three friends in my life who are CONSTANTLY on the move. They have adventure after adventure!

For me, their lives are just too much. For them, my life is just too boring.

Good thing for all of us that we don’t have to live each other’s lives!
But here’s the damn thing I realized last night: every adventure requires effort.

It requires putting forth research, coming up with the idea, packing up the family, getting crabby kids (or spouses) on board.

Schlepping. Getting the gear. Packing snacks. Whatever!

My brain sees all of it is as a pain in the neck.

But I realized this morning that they want the adventure, and it’s worth it to them to rally their troops! Get them enthused! Make it happen!

To them, it’s worth all that effort because they love adventure!

It’s just not been worth it for me. But why?

I’m 48 years old and have been indulging in confusion about why I don’t have more fun.

And today, I 100% realized how this played out last night. I don’t have more fun because I’m usually not willing to put forth the effort to try something different.

I like the comfort of blankets and snuggling and passive entertainment.

I think sitting on the couch is fun, until it isn’t. Then I need to get uncomfortable and put forth the effort to make shit happen.

My best friend Leslie? She thinks going a million miles an hour is fun, until it isn’t. Then she needs to get uncomfortable, and put forth the effort to sit still for a little while.

If you’re like Leslie, it’s likely your confusion isn’t around “Why don’t I have more fun?”

Your confusion might be around, “Why am I always so exhausted?” or “Why do we blow through our money?” or “Where the hell does all our time go?”

Instead of getting pissed, try tuning in to what’s underneath it.

It’s now 6:15am, and I have a lot of clarity on what didn’t go down last night. I’m not pissed or hurt or resentful about it.

And that’s a good place to be because now I can move forward with clarity.

How’d I get into the clarity and out of confusion?

I’ll take you through the steps: I asked myself…

1. What do I want?
2. Why do I want it? How do I think it will make me feel?
3. What do I have to do to get it?
4. Am I willing to do that?

You’ll have your answer if you take yourself through those questions. Some things you’re going to be willing to do. Others, not so much.

I recently had a client who struggled with confusion around something much more serious than having fun.

He was confused about his next steps professionally. He wants to move from industry to entrepreneurship.

Basically, this is a terrifying leap from getting a paycheck to having to create a paycheck out of thin air.

He’s been confused about his purpose, who he helps, and whether he can really help that market. I know he’s been circling in his brain for more than a year - and that’s mentally defeating.
It wears us down.

It’s like me with my stupid “how can I have more fun” question. It seems like it shouldn’t be such a hard thing to figure out, but it’s easy to stay stuck & live in the confusion that our brains like to create.

He did a 90-minute Deep Dive with me. I took him through some deep questions, pushed him to get uncomfortable in a few places, and went beyond the “I don't knows” that showed up.

He didn’t really want to spend money to figure this shit out. Who does?? I mean, wouldn’t it be SO GREAT if we could all just work through our own junk in our own brains without paying for clarity with someone else’s help?
Of course, it would!

But it doesn’t seem to work that way.

Here’s how he decided he was ready to get out of confusion and work with me. We’ll use those steps again: 

1. What do I want? He wanted to figure this shit out - once and for all - so that he could clear out his head & help him take the next step
2. Why do I want it? How do I think it will make me feel? He wants some mental & emotional peace around what to do next.
3. What do I have to do to get it? He had to find a someone trusted help see what’s going on in his head. Hire someone to dig around in there and get him unstuck. That feels scary & uncomfortable. He’d never done this work before. Would it be worth it?
4. Am I willing to do that? It’s worth trying. What he’d been doing for a year or more hasn’t gotten him clarity.

Like me, this client was tired of being pissed about his patterns. He wanted clarity about his decisions rather than remaining pissed off at a circumstance.

He wanted to have control back in his life. And he needed to get out of confusion to do it.

Whether we’re talking about wanting to have more fun or taking the next step in our professional journey, we need clarity.

Confusion keeps us really stuck! Confusion makes us believe that the status quo is as good as it gets.

I want you to know that’s complete bullshit.

I’ll be arguing that learning to have fun is as vital as learning what your next steps are professionally.

It doesn’t matter what the content or topic of your confusion is. If you remain there, you remain stuck.
And when you remain stuck, you’re kind of junk for everyone else.

I’m still thinking about what I want to do for fun.

Because this is a priority for me.

Frankly, tonight, I want to go see the Sound of Music - which is playing at our local theater. I am going to buy a ticket and go by myself.
That will be uncomfortable. But I will not die! And if the weather remains as warm today as it was yesterday, I’m going ice skating too!

And! The next time I really want to do something, I will note the effort it’ll take and decide if I want to put forth that effort…

Or if I want to wake up the next day and feel like I let myself down.

Choosing the easier path is not always a way out of confusion, my friends. Sometimes it’s a place that really keeps you stuck.

When you’re ready to get un-stuck & want support to get through it, I’m your girl. I live for it - I know I can help you move toward your goal and help you get the results you’ve been craving for a while now.

I’ve got room for 3 private clients this winter. Apply for a Consultation Call.

Let’s get you…UNSTUCK & out of confusion in 2019!

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