When You Know SOMETHING Needs to Change (and have no idea HOW)Jun 20, 2019
Sitting in the almost-mushy grass, I’m sobbing, angry. Feeling deeply sorry for myself.
My head’s throbbing.
I’m outside the fitness studio I own, watching a train approach on the tracks across the street.
The engineer smiles at me, waving as he pulls on the train whistle.
I want to give him the finger.
I’m in the middle of a breakdown - having just had one of the worst, most disturbing meetings of my entrepreneurial career.
I’ve been in business with my partners at this point for about two years…working too many hours and getting paid nothing. Literally, nothing. The business is actually COSTING me money at this point.
The business keeps running - we can pay our bills, we can pay our staff, but we can’t pay ourselves.
We’re throwing spaghetti against the wall - trying ALL THE THINGS.
What will WORK? Why isn’t any of it working?
We’re working SO GODDAMN HARD.
I’m exhausted. I don't even know myself anymore. I hate who I’ve become.
Everyone around me talks about how owning their own business frees them up. How much their businesses fill them up.
But me? I feel empty. I’m chained to this business. I can’t go anywhere or DO anything without it impacting my life.
If I’m not in the building, I’m on my phone, email, social media - checking in on the business.
We had today’s meeting to figure out some new strategies. Try some new shit.
Because we desperately want the business to not just survive, but THRIVE.
Today’s meeting was a game changer.
After today, I’ll start to realize that we have a LOT of meetings that actually take us nowhere.
We have ideas and we have implementation, but we don't have CLARITY.
We also don’t always agree on tactics, strategy.
This meeting we’ve just finished? It’s now become clear that we don’t agree on the VISION anymore.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!
This meeting pretty much made it clear that something BIG needs to change.
I know at this moment I can’t keep doing this THIS way anymore. But I have no idea WHAT the right way forward is.
My solution? I go sit outside and cry a little. Grab my journal & pour out my heart.
This engineer in his train? He’s just doing his thing - tooting happily at me. He gets to just have a JOB.
I bet he doesn’t have to take anything home! I bet he can just leave his train and have FREEDOM.
Oh…I’m having quite a pity party for myself.
But more importantly, I’m getting real with myself in this moment.
I love owning a business, but something needs to give.
For two years, I lived with the belief that I can’t have BOTH. It must be I'm all in in the business OR I'm all in in my life.
Living in the OR space was killing me.
I stared after the train, the tracks empty, everything suddenly quiets except for the hum of a lawnmower somewhere in a nearby neighborhood.
I got quiet in my head too. I asked myself,
What do I want?
What will I not put up with anymore?
HOW DO I GET THERE?
^^ That last one? That’s the hardest one to answer.
It took me another 6 months to get clear on that shit. And again, I did it alone for too long.
Why am I telling you all this? I’m now exactly three years out from that moment, and I remember it with CRYSTAL CLARITY.
Sitting on the loamy green grass. The early leaves on the trees providing a little shade from the June sun. It was a gorgeous day.
And all I felt was BLACK. Dark. Heavy.
Maybe you’re not as low as I was. But I’d bet you want a change.
Maybe you want more -
Better experiences -
Better clients -
A Better Life.
I sure as shit did. I wanted that for myself. And for my family. And for my friends.
And I realized I needed it for my staff, my clients, and my partners too.
You’re ready to grow in some way, but you don’t know how. Maybe you can’t put words to it yet. Or you can’t see your way through.
I get it, my friend.
Are you sitting out on the grass, in the beauty, but unable to see it? Wanting to give the finger to the world?
I get it. I figured out how to get it for myself. And it’s what I teach my clients how to do:
How to have a business AND a life.
And how to grow them both.
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It doesn’t have to be this hard. I promise.